So where have i been?
Its a long road, that I would like to say ended with a, omg….thank goodness thats over.
It all started when I saw a dilapidated shack on the way to work. ” Sweety.. How much you think for that house with all that land?” I said with only a small curiosity. He shrugged it off as we passed it ” that p.o.s. ? ” idk. Well it started with just us trying to find info on that house and snowballed into buying a new house. Not that we needed a new house, more that we wanted land that we owned, since we were paying rent for the land and paying a mortgage on our home .. this was back in December. By January, we had gone to the bank to see if we could afford to buy a new home and how much we could actually borrow.
Oh the bank lady.. that’s really what i preferred to call her.. She was very excited to help us when she actually ran our credit and began with our numbers. no problems here she announced and off we went on our adventure.
Step one….. arguing over how much we wanted to spend… he wants to go all out with a fancy shmancy house with an all in budget…….i wanted a fixer upper with an omg what if fund …..
Step two…. go and see a school … yep a school that was listed as a residence…think of all 10000 sq ft of that … but yes this was the first property we wanted to see.. called the number and was meet there by this Realtor.. John. we were there before him and as usual we brought the whole family.. mom,sister in law, and me and him.. we let ourselves in threw what we thought was a shared driveway … but was quickly corrected by the mean lady yelling at me that, that was her property and not to use it.. john got a call from them as well before he arrived… anyway… he was as interested as we were to see this property, but included his opinion on how he knew that this was not gonna be zoned to live in.. But it was fun looking threw that place with him.. he shot some hoops as well, in the awesome gym that my love wanted as his theater room. well the property wasn’t gonna work out , the Realtor was.. John was from then on, our Realtor.
It seems as if i have faded into the nothingness that is my everyday life. no inspiration or will to be more then a worker bee.
out in the real world is a life of experiences. i only have routine. such a difference from who i was my whole life and i realize now, why this is.
In my old life everyday was spent with fear and traumas that evoked every personality that lives inside me.each one of us needed to be in order to survive. every moment was carefully lived by the one who best suited the experience. With not a moment of empty time.
now all i have is empty time. everyday safe and sound in a world carefully created. for most of the world this is great and i should be happy. but im not exactly happy. i am seriously unbalanced in my soul. most of my others are lying dormant inside, sad and alone having no life experiences and without company. i feel like a time bomb wildly out of sorts in a empty world.
i fear that soon i will implode . a rearranging explosion of my life. not the first of its kind. and im sure not the last. but who what and where will it all leads us?
I have forgotten what it is like to sit alone with my own thoughts.
to have moments in time all to myself
no influence from outside sources.
no opinions other then my own
to awaken alone and spend my day as i wish with no need for explanations or prompting to things i wish not to do.
Not needing to say everything aloud.
just to be me in an empty room
a week alone at home with noone to take care of and nothing but my own mess to clean.
a week alone….. inner peace … outward clarity.
lost track of me. lost feeling in me. lost time. lost everything all at once. missing balance. missing feeling things. missing passion. oh dark day filling my mind with thought, why must you flood me now. cant you stay deep down within where i can not feel you.? i have no strength for your endless blame upon me. i have no time to think of my wrongs. i have no will to change my misbehaviors.
three kids born from me, and i can hardy tell you about two of them. On my mind as of late, and in my heart always, so far from my arms they have been. For so long surpressed thoughts and feelings pushed down so deep only i can hear the painful cry of it. we all like to think we are good people but in this i cant believe it to be true. to separate from the beginning to be good. everyone in this world has given up something in their life to get where they are today but she has given others the gifts of her soul. the first abandoned because of conflict and despair. not a fight in her to keep a child with such love for her. walking away from his face and his arms slowly but so completely. never looking back but always filled with regret. he is better off with his father she tells herself but i wonder if that it true from his prospective. im sure he has some deep pain and resentment toward her for her choice to walk away.
The second was a better try at it. A girl with such a spirit that she demanded attention and willed her way into the relationship more then paula did. yet still it lasted only three years before things got to much and a choice was made to let her go. not total abandonment because even at 3 that child wouldnt allow it. so things progressed stronger and deeper with her then the others. a bond was unbreakable in spirit but they never again lived under the same roof. vivsts and calls and thats about it.
then the third, a son, given up at birth. what lays in his heart, about her we might not ever know.
to them i say, you are not forgotten, you are all loved, we regret somethings, as would any person but remember in it all was not a mother but a child living in a world alone without help. without shelter and without self worth. a dark painfilled person who would have done more harm in your lives then good. a person who right up till now will always want to go back and change the facts, go back and do the selfish thing and keep you all near to her. your lives would have been hard and deeply scaring but she would be happy. she would have a family unit within her blood to share the holidays with, to live day to day things with. faces that she made from within her soul to see grow into people of this world.
She can only surpress me for so long before i break out like a caged animal. I can’t begin to describe what devastation has laid upon my homes interior while she kept ignoring my voice and ignoring my will. turning a blind eye to the things that i need. what a disaster i awaken too. The painful part is that its not just her its both of them. he lives and breathes in this space and yet both of them decide to do nothing in its upkeep. undeserving selfish lazy shits. And i would what…. of course have to take over and do everything. Why? because im compelled by a diseases.. to do so. i can’t fight the anger it builds inside me. i can’t control the hostility it creates. And what happens when i express it…. i get scoffed at and ignored, like i am asking to much. same old story. not that you want to hear it. After all she hasnt even posted anything worth reading in a while. her neglect is an all incompassing thing that grows and grows.. she is unbalanced and feeling the deadness of it.
Things have been some what out of control. a whirl wind of change has blown threw my life but things are starting to feel normal again. but i feel ill. Came on slow and steady now for almost a month. I dont know if it is all in my mind or the seroius chest cold i got hasnt gone all away.. But i feel so sluggish and ill.. hope it passes with the holidays. locked into a holding pattern as if nothing emotional is getting in. nikki must be blocking all the emotions. not sure. just feel as if i wondering threw my life, passing days till another morning, then going to sleep as soon as i can to pass into another..
I hate change and it knows it.. so if i had to budge alittle things give out ontop of me… new housemate.. with new dog.. with new ruotine,, with new position at work… not the hell position.. finished that but now new permenat one.. ontop of what i already was doing.. new new new… ahhhhh a spiral.. that made me sick.. chest hurts cough… ugggg, to much to fast ontop of helping a family member move every weekend this month.. runs on and on like this post.. sorry about the no effort in this mixed mashed outburst of OMG…no brain at this point.. and not a care about the spelling or anything… total neglect… my apoligizes
in my day to day life..the constant is my job.doung the same thing everyday..like a robot..love it…but this week my constant is disrupted…4 years in this job was hell in a position where the people are negitive and angry..then i was moved to a better position where people are positive…..
This week our product had some issues..so we are shut down…..i had 2 choices… use my paid leave time…or….go back to hell…..so back in hell i am. It was the responsable choice….but not the mentaly healthy one….
Im cranky..angry and feel like crap..dont know how long i will be in hell…..wish me luck and be prepared for some ranting posts…..
I go about my life with a steady but unclear pattern.. if i don’t then my whole life feels like it is spinning in circles. Every time there is to be a major shift in my day to day life.. all my thoughts and patterns seem to freeze in place. i cant compute them i just wait for the new thing to be apart of the day to day untill it blends with all the other needs of my day to day schedule..
So major life change will occur in a month.. so if im silent it is because im stuck in my holding pattern.. until it becomes normal.. im opening my home up to a family member. a young person. And although we get along great, its a different thing to have someone in my day to day life. in my personal space and in my life in general. I don’t bond well and sometimes my mouth does what it wants. i lack sensitivity when my patterns are disrupted.
I hope this works out well, but im alittle scared. wish me luck.